Sexually abused at the age of 12, Laurie (from the Instagram account @popotinandco ) shares with us her difficulties and the journey of her sexuality until his meeting with Coco .

“The discovery of sexuality for me happened in a forced and non-consensual way”

My name is Laurie, I am 35 years old, I am the mother of 2 children, who are 5 years old and 7 months old, and I wanted to tell Lucie (the founder of Blush Intimacy) about my life, at least the part of my life that concerns my sexuality. I discovered Blush on Instagram via a publication on Puissante 's account and I was curious about the concept store. Obviously if I had 2 children I had at least 2 consensual sexual relations with the father of my children and as a result I consider myself to have some notions on the subject. All joking aside (or not up to you) sexuality is an area that is familiar since childhood without really mastering the codes.

Victim of sexual violence at the age of 12, I will very quickly have a biased relationship with sex and everything that surrounds it. The discovery of sexuality for me is therefore done in a forced manner and not consented and it will destroy a part of me that I will not rebuild right away. In a firstly my relationship with the body will change, I will feel dirty, humiliated and what follows all of this will be a total rejection of my body shape which I will consider ugly.

“Unconsciously my past is catching up with me and I’m not really able to enjoy myself”

A few years later I will discover desire, sexual excitement and the sensations that accompanies him. Basically around 13 or 14 years old. At that time the M6 ​​television channel broadcast late on Sunday evening erotic films prohibited for under 16s and secretly I love literally watching them. It's often kitsch as hell and the scenarios aren't of much interest but it awakens very pleasant and interesting sensations in me. These famous sensations make me want to touch my private parts once I slip discreetly into bed. But Unconsciously my past is catching up with me and I'm not really able to enjoy it. There is something that doesn't connect. I don't want to look at my vulva, even yet now I'm incapable of it, and I don't like the contact of my fingers in my vagina. SO inevitably after the pleasant sensations I discover frustration, yay! This kind of feeling of something not finished, not completed.

Very quickly after erotic films I want something stronger in terms of sexual acts. It is very nice to show a tit or a pubic measurement but that doesn't satisfy me so head to the porn movies. Right away it's something else. At first it really shocks me, I find that even disgusting and then I will quickly draw inspiration from it in my imagination. I discovered at that moment that
I really like creating my own scenarios in my head snuggled under the duvet, one hand in the panties. But very quickly I am blocked because I don't like this contact between my vulva and my hands. not at all and I feel that this way of proceeding does not suit me so I am leaning towards objects that could do the trick as they say. Handles of hairbrushes, bombs of deodorant, small bottles of water, in short, anything suitable goes there. But once again I am not not very convinced. So it's a bit in this context that I'm going to have my first relationship consensual sexual activity and to be frank it's not a crazy thing.

“In my personal representation of sexuality I do not allow myself to take pleasure”

It's not my partner who is to question because he discovers this act like me but let's say that it doesn't transport me of pleasure. On the other hand, in my head it's rather fun and I really want to do it again and again. Again. Which will also be my mantra for years and which will lead me to have risky sexual behavior. I will chain sexual partners because in my idea is the only way to be loved. I don't really believe in love at this point though. Coming from a very conflictual and nauseating family pattern, I have no intention of start my own family. But I have this indescribable desire to be desired.

I will discover much later, in my thirties, that the trauma I suffered is the cause of all these risky behaviors. At the time I was completely unaware of it since I carefully put away this part of my life in a box which itself is in a sealed safe in my brain.

Back to the twenties and the incessant cavalcade towards ultra-unbridled sexuality. At this period of my life I have absolutely no knowledge of my genital anatomy. I know that I use it to pee, that somewhere there must be something called a clitoris and that's it. I don't feed I don't want to discover this anatomy which has traumatized me in the past. We are, so to speak, in shared accommodation. Besides, what I prefer in sexuality is the whole phase of seduction, apprehension of the other, excitement that builds but once I get to the heart of the matter I don't really have fun. Lack of self-confidence, inability to let go, fear of the gaze of others are so many factors that make sex very blah in my opinion.

Another little problem resulting from the sexual violence suffered is the impossibility of taking pleasure in a manner deliberate. That is to say, having discovered sexuality in a forced manner, I am going to set up this pattern in almost all my sexual relationships. I like violence and extreme submission. Although finding absolutely no pleasure in it. I do this quite unconsciously to please the other. Because in my personal representation of sexuality I do not allow myself to take pleasure. It's quite complex to explain but at this time you have to understand that I didn't absolutely unaware of all this. It was only very recently that I was able to analyze all my behavior on this subject when I discover that at 32 I don't even know how to locate my clitoris and let alone use it.

“And there, the ultimate surprise! My clitoris wakes up to the pulsations”

It is with Instagram that I will realize that I have no knowledge about my own sexuality and what I like. However, in a relationship since the age of 23, I have never actually asked the question. I regularly practice penetrative sexual intercourse with my lover
and when I meet him I am still in this perverse and traumatic logic of a sexuality which should not belong to me. My boyfriend is what we can call sexually perfect since always listening to my consent but to tell the truth I don't really see the point. I am often at the initiative of sexual relations and once again I like the violent and very savage. When I gave birth to my first child , my partner, a midwife by profession, resumed his studies to obtain a degree in the study of human sexuality. Will follow 3 years of training during which I will discover many things since it is with curiosity that I help Gentleman in his revisions and writing of his dissertation. It was around the same time that I discovered the existence of my clitoris, aided by my partner, but I really struggle to find it on my own and even less to use it usefully. So, being rather curious by nature, I will try to document myself. And as at this time I discover the multitude of content offered by Instagram I naturally gravitate towards this network. I'm going to be a little disappointed because at the time I didn't master the application well and I didn't didn't find much. Let’s set the record straight; At this precise moment we are in 2018 and I believe that there has not been a big boom in terms of sexual information content. But I I'm going to discover Jouissance Club ! The book has been lying around for a few weeks at our house (because darling has needed for his studies) and I begin to leaf through it with interest! Except that once again I clashes with my lack of knowledge and practice in the matter and I am disappointed because there are few pleasant sensations.

We will have to wait until 2020 and the arrival of Puissante with its emblematic Coco so that finally the doors of pleasure open to me! It was completely by chance that I came across the Instagram account by Marie Comacle as she launches her Ulule crowdfunding campaign to raise funds and launch the production of its sex toy. I am participating in this campaign and in May 2020 I
receive my Coco and her lubricant . This is my first vibrating and suction toy. I read carefully the little instructions delivered with it and once its battery is charged I can't wait: try it!
And there, the ultimate surprise! My clitoris wakes up to the pulsations of the toy. The sensations are immediate: it's a big hit! How could I wait until I was 33 to know this happiness ??! I still wonder.
Today Coco has become a permanent part of my sex life. Alone it allows me to still discover sensations and places of pleasure; and in my relationship it unites us more than never since my boyfriend accepted it without any worries in our antics .

“I will never be cured, it’s a daily struggle. But I am at peace. "

At 35, I finally managed to enjoy solo and as a couple thanks to the knowledge of my intimacy but also to letting go that I can now put in place. I couldn't have reached this level of good to be without the psychiatric therapy that had to be put in place to heal from my trauma and to be able to rebuild myself. Besides, I will never be cured, it's a daily battle. But I am at peace today with my past and I am only at the beginning of my sexual life which I intends to make the most of the balloons. I won't be able to rewrite my story and I have to live with it but I am lucky to be well surrounded in my personal life which allows me to move forward
serenely.

One thing is certain and acquired to date is that my sexuality is more fulfilled than ever and is integral part of my well-being. So, it's never too late!