I'm not sure how I would define my sex life at the time. Satisfying, exciting, with failures that I laughed about. I was a very normal girl. Until a gynecological problem forced me to undergo minor surgery. So light that my sex life will be turned upside down.

Following this operation, my body will never fully recover, each penetration will become painful, in the cinema I will no longer identify with women screaming with pleasure but with cowboys biting into a piece of wood. At first I put it down to the healing time but the doctors dismissed this and told me that I was - medically - fine.

But then why do I have pain during intercourse? Why does it burn me? Why am I contracted? And pain never comes alone, it comes in an organized group, with anger, frustration, depression and fear... of having lost one's previous life. Months pass without any improvement, I don't understand, neither does my boyfriend. Patience gives way to frustration. Then my quest for healing will begin.

QUEST #1 : Gynecologists.

You will notice that they are in the plural, it obviously took me several appointments with different professionals to obtain various diagnoses. Sometimes I see inflammation, I am prescribed creams which provide partial relief but do not solve anything. Often nothing is seen of me. But I am advised to go and consult other specialists, I like it when doctors do that, they don't leave you alone in nature, they give you a map and a compass, and at my stage, I'm willing to All.

QUEST No. 2 : Urogynecological physiotherapist.

I will follow several perineal re-education sessions. Because I have so much pain, I inevitably tense up during intercourse, which doesn't help my case. The sessions consist of relaxing my internal muscles, but what helped me the most was the story that the physiotherapist told me: “I had dental problems, due to suffering during my consultations at the dentist, one day my jaw became blocked, I had to eat through a straw for weeks. My brain had equated opening my mouth as pain.” This story resonates with me even though I'm not sure I relate. It's impossible that my brain can create everything that happens to me, I don't even have a Bac +5. However, this testimony pushes me to explore a new avenue.

QUEST #3 : Hypnosis.

Well then, if physically I have “nothing”, maybe we should talk to my subconscious. I expected to look at a pendulum, to be cut in two in a box, oh no I'm confusing it with magicians. I find myself face to face with a man who tells me to close my eyes, to visualize things, to raise my arms, then my hands, to virtually clean I don't know what, to speak to my unconscious and out loud. I feel ridiculous, if this is filmed I hope I'm amusing this hidden camera. Then he said to me “I’m not going to hypnotize you”. So what have I been doing since just now?! I come out angry. But… He managed to get the words “I protect myself” out of me. Once again, this notion that perhaps my body thinks it is doing the right thing by reacting in this way, rises to the surface.

QUEST #4 : Psych.

The months pass, turning into a year. My situation has not changed. My relationship is falling apart. Unconsciously I provoke conflicts every time we go to bed, so as to no longer be in the position of refusing advances. At the time, foreplay was not on the same level as penetration, I felt that it was never enough. Seeing a psychologist was a great support, both in compassion for my situation and in finding solutions. And she suggested that I buy a sex toy in order to have control over penetration, to choose the moment and to manage the intensity. So I go for the first time in my life to a sex shop, girlfriend under my arm. There is no shortage of choice. I decide to go with a normal size. Once home, warm under the duvet, I try my new toy. Big disappointment, penetration is still painful. I despair.

QUEST #5 : Victory.

My relationship is dead, we are separating. I don't flirt, I don't have the courage to be naked or to expose myself in front of a stranger. I do not know what to do. My friends don't realize the extent of my situation, I barely dare talk about it. But for the first time, I confided in my mother, I told her about all the specialists I had seen, and the words of the last doctor “the body has the memory of pain” which I don't know what to do with. Shortly after, she discovered an article about EMDR. This therapy, which could be similar to hypnosis, made famous on veterans to help them live with their trauma. I had never heard of it. I make an appointment, a therapist on rue de la Victoire, that’s good, I need a victory. I start the session by immediately putting her at ease “you are my last hope”. She drinks the pressure. We start work together, small headphones on my ears, small machines in our hands. And while I remember everything, a sound and a vibration stimulate my right side then left and so on. After a few sessions, I feel that I am better, that certain issues are calmed, I even feel it in my body. So one evening, I dust off the box and take out my sex toy . Moment of truth... YES ! For the first time in 3 years (yes this quest was long, Lord of the Rings aside, it's nothing) the pain disappeared.

Some time later, a real encounter will confirm my healing. For me, a satisfying, exciting sex life, with failures that I can laugh about. I was that normal girl again. Finally.

 

* Vaginismus is a sexual disorder which makes penetration completely impossible and which affects 1% of women in France. Vaginismus corresponds to the involuntary and unconscious contraction of the muscles of the perineum which prevents penetration during sexual intercourse.

PS: To continue having pleasure you can use non-penetrative sex toys. Ona, our first vibrating clitoral stimulator is designed for primarily external use. Its pulsed air head rests delicately on the clitoris, making your head spin. And its vibrating body to bring that little “je ne sais quoi” to each area touched.